Same to you

I'm ready to chop my hair off. I am so ready that I am this close to taking the scissors to it myself. It's been a few years since I did that--three, I guess. I can't believe that it was three years ago already. I can't believe it was four years ago a year before that. I want to be a student now, mostly because you are allowed to be surly and cut your own hair as a student, but I have a job now. I have to go to work and smile and look professional. I will never understand other people. Today I had to work Sunday and my first lesson was a private lesson, scheduled to be two units in one. When the student got there I asked him how he would like to do that and he said, while pulling out his textbook, which remained on the desk the whole time, that he wanted just to "chat." Since the book was on the table I was highly confused as to if he meant the whole time but luckily he specified for "fif--tee" minutes. Did he mean 15? 50? The latter being the entirety of the lesson this was no small difference. He is a rather unspirited student, to put it mildly, so free talk seemed daunting. But wouldn't you know he filled up the whole time? I only had to ask a few questions along the way and nod at pivotal moments. After class I thought, well he talked the whole time I am not sure if I did what he wanted, but that's his fault for not being specific etc. etc. I was glad it was over and cursed my least favorite part of this job: not being able to tell when people are satisfied or not. And it should be about English learning and not your personality, but so often it doesn't feel like that. Anyway, so after the lesson he is talking to the area manager, who was in today, and saying something I sense to be positive, but I can't really hear, though the manager is smiling and looking happily at me so I figure it is okay and then the student says, to clarify, "I like you very much." "Thank you." What else is there to say? It's no wonder: I must have come across as quiet and modest. I don't know why but I find that so hilarious. Or I do know why--because it seems representational of all my relationships: shrouded in mystery and like or dislike is rather arbitrary. Having to work a Sunday it's much better to be liked than not, but what does it mean to be liked for a couple of questions and some nods and the thought, "has the time passed yet?" It's certainly better than being disliked. Not that a student has ever said "I dislike you," but it must be the case sometimes. And why be liked? I am not in the mood lately to be a professional conversation maker and have practice for a 100 boring dates, "oh wow, you design software? That is so interesting. Tell me more."

Be careful what you wish for

Lately I had often wished that I could just escape for a few days--with no obligations, work or social. Well I was able to be dead to the world since Friday, and tomorrow will be more of the same. Unfortunately, this was due to the flu, or as we say in Japan infurenza. Today I am feeling better and have the energy to type, read and be awake for more than 20 minutes at a time. But just like Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, when my fever broke I had a new perspective on life. My new perspective is I never want to have the flu again. Also, I had all sorts of deep thoughts in my heated delirium. To list a few: why is influenza called influenza? and, isn't it sad that E. M. Forster is dead? and, where am I?

***

Wikipedia says:


Etymology

The term influenza has its origins in 15th-century Italy, where the cause of the disease was ascribed to unfavourable astrological influences. Evolution in medical thought led to its modification to influenza di freddo, meaning "influence of the cold". The word "influenza" was first attested in English in 1743 when it was borrowed during an outbreak of the disease in Europe.[11] Archaic terms for influenza include epidemic catarrh, grippe (sometimes spelt "grip" or "gripe"), sweating sickness and Spanish fever (particularly for the 1918 pandemic strain).[12]

The face of things to come

So lovely

I am very, very tired of my job right now and am not thinking clearly. My brain is void of interesting thoughts and I can't stop thinking about how I look and worrying about the aging process. Is this the effect of living in Japan? I can't really say for sure, and up until now I was rather content with the rather free reign you have here to care about how you look, but it is catching up with me. I'm busy and tired and whenever that is the case the quickest way to relax is to look at beautiful people and clothes on style.com or something but after so much of that I reach a kind of critical mass. Why care so much about how I look? Why always? When I feel like I have goals I am achieving it becomes a sort of hobby, just something to make the every day more enjoyable, like living in a clean house or cooking something. But that is not the case right now. And as with cleaning, it can go from salutary habit to an obsessive one. I can't do what I want but I can live in a spotless apartment. I can't do what I want but I can imagine a time not far away when that may be the case and until then I can try, try, try to make my face the way I want it to be.

Hare onna

Spring is here, at least until it rains and brings the cold back temporarily.


Saturday was girls' day
















Why is this job so tiring? I think it is because even when it's enjoyable there are no long term goals that you achieve. The students improve when they put the effort in, and that is interesting to see, but really it's not the teachers doing when that happens. And while if you do a good job you have smooth days at work, and the students are happy to see you, and you can help with sign-ups and so on, there isn't much difference between working hard and not working hard. And it is all exhausting. And this week we have a farewell party. Of course I enjoy the parties and the chance to talk to students outside of class but there is just too much smiling and overt fun having. And I can't really talk about what I want to do with my life or complain about work, and least of all discuss which students are attractive or not, all of which seem to be my favorite subjects of conversation. Last night I went karaoke-ing with my co-worker and friends of friends, including some international university students. It must be nice to live in Japan and study Japanese.

Living history

Well I won't be the first or the last to say it, but it's lucky kids are cute. Because if they were not it would be very hard to teach them English without ever yelling at them. I rather consider myself a model of patience. If I were Catholic that should have been my name, "Patience" (fact checker: please check if it is the Catholics or the Protestants who are more likely to name their kids after virtues). Sometimes kids are wonderful and sometimes they are not. And when they are not I rather wonder at the marvel of evolution that allows people to sacrifice their lives every day for these creatures. Fact: kids are more likely than not to have snotty noses. Fact: six year olds will ignore you when you call their name. Fact: kids don't know no respect. Patience.

Speaking of Protestants and Catholics why oh why is first thing to come up with my name on google an essay I wrote in the 7th grade, rife with misspellings and poor analytic thinking??? I didn't even read the book that I wrote the review on! It was Queen Margot with Isabelle Adjani on the cover, from the Miramax movie version. The cover of that book was just too beautiful that I chose it, despite the fact that I never developed the taste for literature older than the 1970s until about a good 6 years later. It's true, you should never judge a book by it's cover. That's why I also read a few pages and it turns out those were the ones about the St. Bartholomew day massacre. Kids shouldn't be reading that kind of violence anyway. I remember thinking the book took place during the medieval times.